Another trip in the books and another fantastic set of somewhat foggy memories – newly minted Hall of Famer Fernando Bretos in his red blazer with matching vest and pants (see attached photo); Jr. Vandal Lumpy, aka gay Toby Keith, regaling the crowd at a karaoke bar while RHV Psycho served as backup on a set of bongo drums; the chick in the short blue dress on the mechanical bull; Jeff “Hebrew Flash” Levinson challenging the entire Tongan nation to a fight over sportsmanship and later diving headfirst through a bathroom door while carrying a sword and pillow; RHV Atkinson mixing his vegan elixir at dinner; RHV Psycho being asked to leave the aforementioned karaoke bar. And on and on and on.
I’ll try to hit the highlights, but if anyone who made the trip feels I missed anything truly notable please respond to this. BTW, I will mention a personal highlight that couldn’t make me prouder – Vandling Jackson Baker made his first Vandals trip. He now is penciled in as director for the 2035 tour. (As an aside, I can’t thank all of the Vandals enough for the way they treated Jackson and Brandee. He may not have any clue about what the hell was going on – who did? -- but he knew he was surrounded by a great bunch of people.)
The Vandals were 20 strong when they assembled in Scottsdale, including six Jr. Vandals, a JVP (Jr. Vandal Pimp), six Hall of Famers and two Hall of Fame inductees. In true Vandals fashion, the age range was huge -- 21 (Jr. Vandal RJ) to 52 (Sr. Vandal Atkinson). Beyond being the oldest Jr. Vandal, Boston Irish Wolfhounds flanker Mike Zizza also set a record for Z’s in a name and Z’s on a rugby tour (more on that later).
The Vandals reacquainted themselves at the Hyatt Place lobby bar on Friday night before heading over to Patties Lounge, the scene of some of last year’s carnage. Pink hats were distributed and a first-of-its-kind red, furry pimp hat went to Julian. He was dubbed JVP because on his initial Vandals trip he failed to attend the court session, thus maintaining some level of Jr. status.
With an 11 a.m. kickoff for the first match, the Vandals made a collective decision and went fairly big on Friday night. Jr. Vandal Lumpy was a catalyst for the night, repeatedly and stunningly luring woman after woman into various Vandal circles. (In the interest of heading off any misunderstandings, the married Vandals served as coaches/facilitators while the single Vandals sought to do some early scoring. Like the match against Red Mountain, the Vandals were shut out, though Lumpy did achieve a degree of physicality with a woman when he fell on the lovely lass he was dancing with.)
On Saturday, despite the favorable starting time, the Vandals were tardy to the pitch and managed to limit their warm-up time to approximately 10 minutes (no need to burn off any nervous energy when you get to our ages). The first match was against the Tucson Magpies, who not surprisingly fielded a much younger team than the Vandals. Because of some confusing lining on the pitch, the Vandals gave up a very soft initial try but came on strong and were tied 12-12 at halftime on the strength of tries from fullback Julian Bristow and wing Mark Miranda, who was outstanding all day and set up Bristow’s score with a nifty inside pass. The addition of Jr. Vandals Omar Gonzalez and RJ Smith in the backline in the second half gave the Vandals a boost and they ran out to a 22-10 lead on the strength of tries by Marc Sullivan and Gonzalez. A yellow card to scrumhalf and normally mild-mannered Geoff Ormsby seemed to boost Tucson and the defensive lapses that plagued the Vandals all day materialized in the final minutes as the Magpies dotted two late tries and won 26-22. Beyond Man of the Match Miranda, Gonzalez, Sullivan and Bristow, the Vandals got strong efforts from Jr. Vandal props Nate Heiselt and Paul Ault, and 8-man John Jablonski, who as usual was dominant in the lineouts.
Next up for the Vandals was New Mexico, another very young and fit squad. After spotting their opponents a 7-0 lead, the Vandals tied the score just before halftime when flyhalf Ken “Bubba Mac” MacIntosh knifed through a gap, scooted 15 meters and fed Miranda, who scampered 25 meters to paydirt. The Vandals again took a two-try lead in the second half as Gonzalez scored twice to make it 19-7. (For those who don’t know Omar, he’s 5-foot-6 in heels and probably weighs 145 pounds. But he plays like he’s 6-6 and 245. And he’s only 22.) But again the Vandals’ defense let them down and New Mexico scored late to earn a 19-19 tie. Gonzalez was Man of the Match.
The final match was against Red Mountain, a perennial powerhouse that won the 2007 Division II national championship. The tournament organizers said they were down this season but it was pretty clear that was a false rumor when they trotted out four or five Tongans, one of whom played internationally. No need spending much time describing this match – they had a whole lot and we had none. The highlight was the Hebrew Flash labeling one of the Tongans and then challenging Red Mountain’s sportsmanship for giggling as they scored try after try. It probably wasn’t the smartest move since it only served to aggravate our island friends. But the sentiments were on the mark. Men of the Match went to Nate and Paul, who played every minute of all three matches and led from the front of the pack all day.
Though the 0-2-1 result was the worst-ever for the Vandals, there were some highlights. The backline’s offensive play was strong all day and the seven tries we scored really were things of beauty with some terrific passing and great running. Jay Atkinson made his return after a five-year absence and won every one of his hooks while playing against guys half his age (and younger). Short Bus and IG still play like every game is their last. And, as usual, I couldn’t be prouder of the effort put forth by everyone and the willingness to play for each other. That’s what it’s all about. So thanks.
I’ll fast forward past Saturday night, except to note Zizza went to bed at 7:30 p.m. and Julian somehow ended up singing musical tunes from “Annie,” and get right to the court. (Did I also mention that Atkinson now is a vegan and that part of his regimen is to drink a cat-litter like powder?)
Kangaroo Court commenced at 1:30 p.m. Sunday, with Jablonski ably filling in as bailiff for RHV Burgers, who was really missed on and off the pitch. The final Vandal to enter was Hall of Fame inductee Fernando, who made a dramatic, spinning entrance in his red, custom-made suit. (IG also was to be inducted but missed the ceremony due to a horseback riding appointment with his wife. No kidding. I can’t imagine the court’s memory will be long enough to remember THAT one. ) Jablonski called the court to order, the Vandals Prayer was read and we got down to business. Among the charges:
_Levinson and Zizza were charged with narcolepsy. Levinson’s charge stemmed from him lying across three seats on a crowded Southwest flight that as Vandals fortune would have it started in his native Connecticut but connected through Nashville, where RHV Vulture and Marc and Kim Sullivan got on and, as they searched for an open seat, were able to witness the egregiously selfish act and report it to the court. Zizza’s charge stemmed from him missing the Saturday dinner after falling asleep and then not awaking until 8 a.m. Sunday. Jablonski, his roommate, was able to add some incriminating testimony indicating Zizza had little interest in the dinner and in fact had little respect for his fellow Vandals. That, coupled with his incriminating last name, brought a guilty verdict. Both were sentenced to carry pillows the rest of the day and night.
_The entire court session could have been devoted to Lumpy but we focused on his dancing faux pas, which brought a quick guilty verdict and sentence to wear a pair of fairy wings to keep him light on his feet.
_RHV Atkinson was charged with being an angry vegan. Other Vandals of Atkinson’s vintage have faced similar charges for their demeanor (see: Reis, Randy) but all were carnivores. So this was a unique charge. Atkinson’s roommates _ Psycho and Bubba _ supplied ample testimony to support the count and Jay was convicted.
_Julian, who had a constant smile on his face and seemed to never tire of story-telling, was charged with over-exuberance. His sentence was stayed, however, since it was determined any indication of high energy is an attribute among the increasingly aged Vandals. While the court was dealing with Julian, it noticed Atkinson still seemed sullen. He was called forward and, in the interest of lifting his spirits, was asked to perform a duet with Julian. They sang “Tomorrow” from the musical Annie, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the place when they finished. (The tears were from laughter. There is a video of this and I’ll figure out a way to get it posted.)
_Sully and Julian were charged with treason. This extremely serious charge stemmed from their work on the movie “Invictus.” (Seriously – both were consultants. Julian’s name even appears in the credits at the end.) Anyway, both are Kiwis and the court wanted to know how, given their devotion to their homeland, they allowed the film to end with South Africa winning the World Cup. Neither could provide a suitable answer. To prove their New Zealand heritage they performed a rousing rendition of the Haka.
_Yours truly had the tables turned on him by Short Bus, Sully and Jabo. I was charged for missing the start of the second match because I had to go back to the hotel to get Brandee and Jackson. They were supposed to drive themselves but I inexplicably had the car keys in my kit bag. Despite a logical and, ahem, truthful defense during which I said my son must have put the keys in the bag, I was convicted and publicly canned.
_Levinson was charged with temporary insanity for challenging the sportsmanship of the Tongans and putting the health of all Vandals at stake. He was convicted, of course, but as usual the court sought to assist rather than punish. And so he was given a sword to defend himself should he encounter any Tongans. (His bathroom episode – where he flew through a door wielding the sword and pillow – was the result of Bubba and Psycho holding the door closed and Jeff vainly attempting to push it open. Knowing Jeff’s frustration would grow and he’d attempt to bull his way through, they waited for the appropriate time, stopped pushing and let Jeff come barreling out , where he then fell headfirst onto the concrete.)
_Fernando faced one of the most serious charges ever leveled in the Vandals courtroom: gross indifference. It stemmed from evidence supplied by RHV Tom Rege. The long and short of it is that Nando recently was in D.C. and had reason to look at some cell phone photos belonging to Rege. One image prompted Nando to ask: “Who’s the dead guy in your bed?” Well, the dead “guy” was Rege’s wife, who at the time was undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer and had lost her hair. Fortunately, she has since fully recovered. Nando was utterly speechless on the witness stand and convicted. He was sentenced to wear a pink (in honor or breast cancer survivors) shower cap so he could feel what it was like to temporarily lose his curly locks.
Court then adjourned. I could spend another 15 paragraphs recounting Sunday night at the karaoke bar. But we’ll have to do a verbal recounting of that craziness the next time the Vandals are together. Suffice to say, it was one for the ages.
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